40 days and 40 nights

Jesus spent 40 days and nights in the wilderness before he was tempted by the devil.

I spent 40 days and nights in HK escaping from the real world. What do modern day devils do?

Death is dead, love has won, Christ has conquered

That's what Easter means. It's such a beautiful occasion, brings hope and joy. Makes earthly life temporary and trivial.

I was reminded on Sunday that this is the Easter week. I think resurrection is the most beautiful thing in life - actually, not just life - the universe.

May a new life begin after this Easter weekend.

Two lives

Life is so unfair. There are people who work so hard they don't get to see any daylight; there are people who fear they would lose their job; there are people who have lost their job and are looking for one.

And I get to sleep till 10am every day, wander somewhere to meet friends for lunch, talk about how much they love (little) or hate (much) their job, wander further or watch a movie or play squash or have a nap, meet with someone else for dinner (normally I would have to wait for quite a while for them to get off work, sometimes hours...).

Six weeks in HK makes me feel like a HK citizen again (even though my HK ID card tells me I have always been). Of course there are many things I love about being in HK, and there will certainly be things I miss when I go back to the Land of Expensive and Unreliable Transport (guess what!). But I could see many people are jealous of my position and the freedom I have. To be honest, I would be if I were them. Life isn't always perfect. Actually, life is never perfect. But I just seem to be so lucky, or blessed. When I leave HK, I will be glad to leave the imperfections of living in HK behind. Ironically, when I escaped from London, I was in search for things to fill the gaps of my London life. I wonder whether it is possible to have two lives, or homes which complement each other.

3 more days

The chance of me having another home-cooked meal in HK is increasingly slim. Feels like having back-to-back meetings back at work. Shame I didn't bring my secretary with me. Oh well if I still can't meet up with somebody with 6 weeks in HK, when will I get to do it? So secondary school friends, A level friends, Uni friends all play a part in sampling culinary delights with me this week.

當吃的 good food 我也吃過了, 我也再無所求.

And then there's the last-minute shopping, if only I could bring the whole of HK back. I think I have lived abroad for long enough that I have learnt to survive without supplies from HK...actually maybe clothes my size.

Dreams

When your life is all planned out there is little scope to dream. Only when there's a blank page in front of you you can begin to dream.

I am dreaming. I am dreaming about my next 5k, 10k, half marathon, marathon and finer skills on the squash court. I am dreaming of speaking another language. I am dreaming of playing the guitar. I am dreaming of possessing better knowledge of the Bible. I am dreaming of making everyone around me smile.

I am dreaming. Except that I know I can make these dreams a reality.

5 stages of death

From watching House I understood that there are 5 stages of death:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You probably go through the same when you are ill, except that this cycle will keep repeating, and every time it does it gets more frustrating. Sometimes you linger on a certain stage longer. Sometimes I never get past Stage One.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

I suddenly had a craving for Chinese books. In the last 8 years apart from reading HK news online and my Chinese bible I rarely had a chance to read Chinese. Nowadays with many things you can actually read online. Novels are too short-lived. You read it and then you put it on the shelf. It's not worth carrying it 6,000 miles when your baggage limit is only 20kg. Religious books make me look more intellectual, but the better ones are written in English.

I went to quite a bookstore today with the aim of coming out with a book. Number 9 on the chart was a book by a Japanese author and runner 村上春樹 Haruki Murakami (translated into Chinese). For some reason I have been quite exposed to Japanese culture recently, from going to Japan to watching more Japanese movies. What caught my eyes was the title: What I Talk About When I Talk About Running《關於跑步，我說的其實是……》And I realised I was subconsciously attracted to anything to do with running, even books.

Blessed

I have met quite a few people and had quite a few good chats in the past month, something I couldn't normally fit in my life before. With some I hadn't met for a few years. It makes me feel so blessed to be able to share, catch up with, support and pray for the friends I met through various walks of life.

Reminiscence as it may seem, but the rememberance of good times and presence of good friends make me feel more positive, or at least thankful about my circumstances.

Previously when I could only spend 2 weeks on holiday in HK, I would just meet the people I kept in touch with most. But now with 6 weeks I'm trying to dig deeper, both with the number of people I meet and the depth of the conversations we have.

It's interesting to see how in the past we may be doing the same thing, studying or whatever, and now have walked our separate paths, some better than the others. If nothing else I have learnt a lot through the chats I had these few weeks, and it makes me smile to know that there are more of those to come.

Change of gear

It has now swiftly come to the second quarter of 2009, and after counting my remaining days in HK with both my hands I still have a spare finger left. It's probably time for me to get myself ready for the challenges ahead. But there are still people to meet, things to buy, food to eat and squash to play. This March was quite different from all the other ones. No work, no study, only rest. It's a month that helped me see things from a different perspective and live life at a slower pace. However, if you asked me whether I want to spend the rest of my life like this I would probably say no. No more laissez-faire, April will see me shifting to a higher gear and being more focussed, while not forgetting that I'm still on holiday.

1 April

1 April brings back some hollowing memories. Six years ago when Hong Kong was plagued by SARS, I was back here for my Easter holiday. I had never seen HK people being so deflated before. And I remember that night watching news report of Leslie Cheung killing himself. There were looks of disbelief on people's faces that face masks could not hide. People were afraid of being in contact with, or even talking to others, for fear of contracting, or spreading the deadly disease. It's certainly something I do not wish to have happened, but once HK had got through it, positive vibes appeared. Everyone seemed to have learnt a lesson. Being able to touch and talk to your family members was no longer taken for granted. During the post-SARS period a record number of HK people turned to Christ.

And a bit before SARS, we had the Asian financial crisis. I was at the tender age of 13 then. My only memory seems to be the stock market falling every day, accompanied with cases of suicide dominating the headlines. Convenient as it may seem, many people chose to throw themselves off tall buildings thanks to their abundance in the territory. How HK survived I don't remember, but all I know it's part of the economic cycle, and these things happen.

Now even though Asia seems to be doing better than the rest of the world, it's hard to say someone isn't affected at the slightest. When bad news strikes at such massive scale, when everyone's on a sinking boat, instead of blaming each other people turn to other forms of refuge. Bible sales have reportedly increased during this 'financial tsunami', as the HK people call it. Perhaps 'disasters' are needed so that some people would turn to their senses. While I'm not in a position to say why some 'bad', or unfair, or unfortunate things happen, all I know is it's up to me to bring something good out of it.

Thailand

I feel obliged to write something about Thailand. It was a good trip, and once again it made me feel how small I am.

Weather forecast was thunderstorms, but there wasn't a hint of it in the air. Occasionally there was a lone greyish cloud, but that was it. Temperature hovered between 30 and 35 degrees. The food was ok. Apart from Mango Tree in Victoria (and the thought of mangoes), I was never interested in Thai food anyway. Now I have seen for myself how much Thailand has to offer to tourists, from the naughtiest (and v. illegal) to the most relaxing. Take a cross-section of the tourists in Thailand and you probably get all kinds of people you will meet in your life. Not expecting much before the trip I found myself up in the sky under a parachute, swimming in the crystal clear sea off Coral Island, walking 5m under the sea feeding the sealife and feeling the coral, riding on the back of an elephant, having a baby tiger on my lap and feeding it (with a milk bottle!), firing a .22 rifle, not to mention the shark fin soup and Thai massage I had...

This is an absolute must-try (and the little person you see in the picture is me)

Poor Piglet being threatened by Foster Mummy Tiggeress (Poor Piglet has to dress like a Tigger).

While Mummy Piglet feeds her babies and Tiggeress's babies (apparently Mummy Piglet's milk will make the Baby Tiggers tamer, so that people like skiver can take photos with them when they grow up)

Thanks for all the prayers. The trip was unexpectedly smooth. I must go to bed now to make up for the 4.30am rise this morning.

Blue screen of death

I think my laptop is more ill than me. The official diagnosis is 'Blue Screen of Death'. I can't think of anything any worse :'( If anyone knows how to solve the problem let me know. 重酬.

But for a few days I'll be leaving my laptop in peace and trying to get some sunshine in...Thailand.

Sleep

I know writing this will make a lot of people jealous but I'm getting 10-12 hours' sleep a day 90% of the time during this break. (sometimes more!)

Apart from being jet-lagged the first week, getting to sleep isn't an issue at all. Last night I felt a bit cold when I went to bed so wanted to put a jumper on, and this morning (or afternoon rather) when I got up the jumper was only through my right arm.

I fell asleep putting on the jumper.

Beat that.

老了

昨天打完 squash 後今天動彈不得, 只有左手稍有知覺. 可以重拾這種肌肉酸痛的感覺挺爽的. 唉! 想當年天天打球也不累, 可能真的老了!

SQUASHED!

Now that my free gym period has expired I have turned to squash, so that my squash racket doesn't think it flew all the way from London for nothing.

And today I went to play squash with...two squash balls. It's great fun. They always get beaten. But my fitness only allowed me to play for around 40 minutes.

If memory serves me right I haven't played squash for over 3 years, main reasons being lack of partner and lack of court (and lack of time, lack of fitness, lack of motivation, lack of money too). So if you see this and don't mind being my 'partner' let me know.

Squash is a wonderful thing. I don't need a partner. But of course having someone else on court will save quite a lot of running. (misquoting the Bible - 'two are better than one' - Ecc 4:9)

When playing by myself it's totally up to me how I play it. I could have a very easy session of forehand / backhand / forehand / backhand and not break a sweat. I could hit the ball hard or feel smug tapping a beautiful drop shot only to make life harder for myself. I could (or so I try) serve some killer serves only to be picking balls up the whole time. Sometimes life is only as hard as I play it.

Thank you, little squash balls - until next time.

看中醫記 A trip to the Chinese medicine practitioner

覺得在香港六星期也不去看中醫有點作孽, 今天的起心肝去了看, 反正在家附近. 朋友介紹的, 不用吃藥, 醫生只需用一支尖尖的東西這裡點一點, 那裡點一點 (不是針灸), 聽說很快就見效. 我姑且試一試. I have nothing to lose, apart from the few hundred dollars, 不用車資, 又不用喝一些unknown brown substance 入肚子.

到了診所看見醫生挺忙的, 不過幸好也有空看我這個突如其來的病人. 他把過脈後說: 你的肺比較弱. Hm...I knew, thanks for telling me, I thought. 然後他就開始點來點去啦. 是否有效要經歲月考驗才知道, 起碼我在香港也看了個英國看不到的醫生.

If western medicine was a hard subject, Chinese medicine is a mystery. 這次回香港看見每街每巷都開了不少中成藥舖, 可能香港人都覺得西藥不湊效, 要試試中藥. 這次這個中醫師更對我說了一大堆英語, 看來挺有根據. 醫藥真是...博大精深!

Plane crashes

Is it just me or have there been more plane crashes recently? Touching a forest of wood my flying experience has been quite uneventful, and I don't want this to change.

However, bumping me further up the plane might be good.

Depreciation

'Depreciation' used to be just a term I learnt when studying economics. Now when the pound has plunged from GBP1 to HK$16.0 to GBP1 to HK$10.6 I am beginning to understand its real meaning.

Everything feels 50% more expensive in HK than they were a year ago. Last few times in HK I was happily swiping my credit card thinking I was bagging loads of bargains. Gone were those days. Oh well maybe I should go to Iceland for my next holiday...any takers?

4-letter words

I'm not known for being expressive, but at the height of a few bouts of illness I was close to using a few 4-letter expletives to vent my emotions.

Today I was discussing two more innocuous 4-letter words with some friends - work and rest.

I have now swiftly come to the half way point of my 'rest' in HK. How many people get the chance to take a break from work for 6 weeks? Even if they do, how many of them can designate such time to rest fully? So I should know something about 'rest' other people don't, since I have spent at least 3 weeks of my life doing it.

Work is an interesting thing. Many people do it but not many people like it. 'Work' isn't just the 9-6 job you do in front of the computer screen during the week. To me, taking the tube is work, cooking is work, cleaning the bathroom is work, shopping is work. I doubt if anyone can ever get away from doing some work in their life. Work can only become easier, but never ceases to be 'work'.

Rest, on the other hand, is a break from work. It doesn't necessarily equate to 'holiday'. I could take a 'holiday' to Paris and still have to worry about accommodation, transport, food, language, navigation etc the whole time. Work has just taken another form; it hasn't disappeared with the notion of holiday.

God has Sabbath day to rest after 6 days of Creation. We have something called the weekend, but sadly for the majority of us it's the time to deal the with the aspects of life outside our job - relationships, friends, it could be more hard work.

I admit I still don't know how to balance work and rest fully, if it's the case that we can truly rest during our busy earthly lives. Robert de Niro said, "You'll have time to rest when you're dead." I doubt there will be a lot of TVs and sofas in heaven where people just 'rest'. There should still be work in heaven, and work is not necessarily a bad thing. I agree that we should make the most of our time on earth, but to make the most of it we need regular rests, we need to recharge our batteries. That's the way God designed our bodies to work like. Rest should be something that uses your physical body and spiritual mind a different way, without tiring you out, be it watching TV, sleeping, going for a walk. Sometimes when I feel I need a rest I go for a run. Controversial I know.

About how my 'rest' is going? I think I'm working hard to make sure it's going well! I went to Victoria Park on Friday, the Hong Kong Zoological and Botanical Gardens yesterday, and the Kowloon Park today. I think I visited more parks in HK in the last 3 days than I did the last 3 years...I think I deserve a medal.

Also, I have not looked at a single work email for 3 weeks. I only occasionally look at my company's share price to make sure that it's still there. I hope to hang on for another 3 weeks. I think I deserve another medal if I manage to.

Memory

I am always worried about losing my memory. So I specially went to get another external hard disk to back up all my electronic files (diary, photos etc), except that it doesn't seem to be working.

Apparently I have a good memory (it's not something you notice until someone tells you, like colour-blindness). I tend to remember random stuff, like my whole family's ID card numbers, people's dates of birth etc. Losing my memory, or the ability to remember, would make me quite a different person.

Ironically enough, my earliest memory is quite an embarrassing one. I started going to nursery when I was two. There I was repeatedly bitten by the girl sitting next to me, who evidently was having a lot of teething problems. I never told anyone about it until recently. I thought then it was part of going to nursery - you sing songs, you play games, you get bitten by The Girl Next To You. In my memory I never bit back, but I do remember those teeth marks, and wanting to cry every time I got bitten. How my mum didn't notice I don't know.

An example of me suffering in silence perhaps. But it wasn't The Girl Next To Me's fault, nor my teacher's, nor my mum's. I could only attribute this to me being dumb. But how would a two-year-old know that you are not supposed to be bitten? I religiously obeyed my mum's 'listen to your teacher' and my teacher's 'don't make any noise'. They never asked whether I was bitten by The Girl Next To Me so I never lied.

It's only when I became less dumb that I realised a two-year-old should never be bitten, no matter who by. So apart from warning all mums with young children the possibility of your darling being bitten, what have I learnt?

• I was a dumb child, and I probably still am
• People (or at least I) don't complain unless they know they could be treated better. At 2 years old we had little Knowledge of Good and Evil. TGNTM did not know biting people was wrong; I did not know being bitten was not part of going to nursery. In adult's wise eyes we were probably doing something very silly. We were just children.
  
  Centuries of slavery, discrimination, inequality lasted that long probably because people suffering didn't know they weren't born to be like that, and they could stand up for themselves. The actual matter is probably more complicated, but if only one has the hindsight, or better still, wisdom in seeing what is to come, would fairness have come earlier?

Sometimes I wonder whether even we as adults have full Knowledge of Good and Evil. I think not. So in what ways now have we been suffering in silence or mistreating each other?

Adagio

If life was a piece of music, I am now playing it at adagio.

Fafa

求父使我生命如花，使人快樂增加；不嫌自已園亭狹小，願意努力開花。

Went to the Hong Kong Flower Show today.

沉. 重.

不知怎的, 今天的心情有點沉重, 可能跟老父和老媽相處了兩個多星期, 大家都覺得蜜月期已過, 應該好好坐下來說些甚麼甚麼. 那 '甚麼甚麼' 是甚麼我不知道. 我只知道我不想挖瘡疤, 可逃避的就逃避.

畢竟一個人在外地生活了三分一生, '家人' 二字都好像可以丟到公式以外. 小時後病了, 媽媽會帶我跑到急症室, 抓著我的小手. 在外國病了, 只有自己在醫院望著天花, 自己乘的士回家. 是長大了還是自討苦吃我不知道, 我只知道現在父母需要我比我需要他們多. 但他們的問題, 我解決不了, 也不想面對, 那兩輩子的結我解不開. 留下的是無言的默視.

知道的是要好好的珍惜餘下的三個多星期, 以後怎麼樣我實在不會去想.

Fellowship

Fellowship is a wonderful thing, no less because when you become a Fellow of the Institute of Actuaries, you don't have to carry any revision notes and highlighter with you any more. I smile every time I think of the moment I found out I qualified.

But I'm talking about a different kind of fellowship, something that makes me smile even more. One thing I took away from my student days at Oxford, apart from the 2 letters after my name, is the fellowship I had when I was there. More than 3 years gone but it still feels the same meeting the bunch of people I used to meet every Saturday evening when I was in pursuit for those 2 letters. And of course, good food accompanies every meeting. This time the highlights were 避風塘炒蟹 (typhoon shelter fries crab) and 瀨尿蝦 (passing water shrimp). I'll leave it to you to come up with a better translation.

Free lunch

I once volunteered at a centre for homeless people in London. A homeless person told me, 'you will get 3 hot meals a day if you know where to go.'

The same applies to living in HK. There's always free, or discounted stuff if you know where and when to go. 所謂 '猛虎不及地頭蟲'. Even for dim sum...if you are seated after a certain time you get 10% off; if you leave before a certain time you get 15% off; if you go on a week day you get half price...so many times when I had dim sum with my grandpa, my aunts kept looking at their watches, 要像倒瀉籮蟹般趕, 很不爽.

I took advantage of the free one-week membership offered by The Gym Down The Road. I made it clear to them that there's no point selling me a full membership at the end of the trial period as I won't be in HK for long. That's fine they say.

So I have been using their treadmill, reading their paper, drinking their cream soda (not something you get in the UK) all for free. Hopefully that will get me to some kind of level of fitness.

Dressing and carpet

What have dressings and carpets got in common?

They both cover something you don't want to see.

A lot of things in the skiver's household are swept under the carpet, or covered in dressings.

Dressings cover wounds. If you remove the dressing too soon you might make the wound worse. If you don't remove it you don't know whether it has healed. Sometimes you know a wound will take a very, very long time to heal. Sometimes even when the wound is healed, a scar will remain. It hurts when you press on the scar.

I admit that I'm not brave enough to remove the dressing to see how bad the wound is. I am too afraid to depart from the status quo. And it's not somebody else's wound.

How long will a piece of dressing last?

豈有此理!

話說 skiver 最近清減了一點, 於是去附近的一間連鎖服裝店去買衣服. 看來看去也覺得那些褲子太大, 不過也是拿了尺寸最小的去試一試. 試後還是覺得有點鬆, 於是決定不買. 走出更衣室將褲子交還給身材稍胖的店員的時候, 店員問:

'是款式不對還是尺寸不對?'

'尺寸不對.'

店員看一看我試的尺寸, 不經大腦的跟我說: '那我拿大一個size屎給你.'

我心想: '豈有此理! 你哪一雙眼覺得我需要大一個size?' 於是頭也不回的步出了那店.

豈有此理 translated

I thought I would save a bit of effort and tried the Google translator. Can anyone make any sense out of this?

Ching as saying recently skiver minus a bit, then went to the vicinity of a chain of clothing stores to buy clothes. It seems also think that those pants look great, but also took the smallest size to try. Test still feel a bit loose decided not to buy. out of the locker room will be returned trousers staff is a little fat, the shopkeeper asked:

'Is the wrong color or size, paragraph right?'

'Size does not.'

Let me take a look at the staff size, not the brain said to me: 'Well, I give Canada a size you feces.'

I thought to myself: 'outrageous! Eyes which you think I need a big size?' Then stepped out of the头也不回those stores.

豈有此理 translated translated

I thought it was fun and translated the translated version courtesy of Google. Oh dear, I really should stop here. Things are getting out of order.


程翔说，最近skiver减去位，然后前往附近的连锁服装店买衣服。它似乎还认为，这些裤子看起来不错，但也采取了最小尺寸尝试。测试仍然觉得有点松散的决定，不要购买。走出更衣室，将返回裤子的工作人员有点脂肪，店主问：


'是错误的颜色或大小，段吗？ '


'大小不。


让我看看工作人员的大小，而不是大脑对我说： '好吧，我给加拿大的大小您粪便。


我想： '无耻！眼你觉得我需要一个大尺寸？ '然后走出头也不回的商店。

Cold cont'd

Somehow I'm quite happy that I have this cold, even though I have used enough tissue paper to kill a rain forest.

Maybe that's what this break is for. There's no rush to get better. I just need a lot of sleep, but I'm not complaining. I don't have anything else to do.

Beat that.

P.S. Friends in HK - just let me rest for a few days and I will re-emerge.

Who's responsibility?

Should children act as marriage counsellors? I know nothing. I don't understand.

The orchestra philosophy of life

Life is like an orchestra. There are many things going on at the same time. If the right notes are played at the right time you produce music, if not it's something called noise. Sometimes something dominates in life. It's called a solo piece, or a wrong note. There's a conductor (yourself) to get things in order.

One life lesson I learnt as a violin player is that you never go back when playing a piece. You could practise that few bars many times, but when you are playing the piece, you move on even if you hit the wrong note. I used to go back and try to correct my mistakes, but the rest of the orchestra would have moved on. They would not wait. You cannot dwell on your mistakes. The longer you dwell, the harder it is for you to catch up.

Individual things could appear to go perfectly smoothly. For example the bassoon section could be playing the right notes beautifully, but if they are just one bar out that's no good to anyone. And it's time for the conductor to step in and sort things out.

Interestingly enough, and percussion players would know, it's ok to have long rests and still play an important part. More interestingly, given the same players (circumstances in life), different conductors conduct life in their own ways. This is called personality.

Sometimes, no matter how hard the conductor tries, chaos happens. You have a bunch of amateur musicians messing your life. Things get out of control. Maybe you should keep life simple. A quartet is a good start.

Parenting

I have only been at the receiving end of parenting (I don't think raising a Tamagotchi pet when I was 13 counts), and I know it's no easy task.

What makes a good parent? Having a 'good' kid? A happy kid? A successful kid? A kid that looks after you when you are old?

Will the role of a parent change? When should they stop imposing their values onto their children? When do they realise they and their children can live different lives? When does a parent stop becoming more 'superior' than their children, and start listening to, and learning from them?

I sit and watch my parents looking after my grandparents, preparing myself for what is to come in some 30 years' time (and I realise the shocking fact that both will be in their 90s). No doubt some kind of role reversal will gradually take place. Yesterday my Dad said to me about 5 times in a space of 30 minutes, 'it will be 13 degrees tonight.' I tried to reason why he did it:

• he forgot he'd already told me
• he thought I would forget what he said and so told me once more just in case
• he still thought I wasn't wearing enough despite him telling me 4 times already (but it wasn't 13 degrees yet)
• he thought I wouldn't know how 'cold' 13 degrees is, so had to emphasise
• he had nothing better to say to me

Soon, instead of them telling me how many jackets I should be wearing, I would be getting them dressed, fed and washed. I wonder how much of it will be due to a different mind set, or changing ability. When I was a kid I relied on my parents to take me everywhere, I trusted in their sense of direction. That's because they were my parents, so they should know better. But now I realise they actually have little sense of direction. I am not sure whether they have physically deteriorated or they have been like this all along, which makes me wonder whether we got lost a lot when I was a kid.

But having a better sense of direction is probably more objective (because I get you to the destination quicker) than say, which guy to marry (just an example, I emphasise). When they say we should go east and I say west, we can look at the map and find out who's right. But with the less straight-forward decisions in life who has the final say? My parents, because they are my parents? Or me because it's my life we are talking about? And am I allowed to make my own mistakes?

And of course, the reason I'm ill now is because I didn't listen to my parents.

And I probably need to keep this entry and look back at it when I become a parent myself, if I don't get put off.

Chinese v Western

Medicine that is.

A friend works in a hospital. Apparently the respiratory consultant in that hospital recommends Chinese medicine. Hm...

Cold

The temperature in HK plunged to 13 degrees. Hm...that's considered warm in London.

And I have a cold. But it's ok. I've had worse. It's just a normal cold. Nothing horrible has happened, yet.

The Rubik's cube philosophy of life

Mark Twain says, 'everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.' I think life is a Rubik's cube. You have more than two interrelated sides - family, friends, career, health etc. It's messed up most of the time.

Sometimes you feel you've done it when you get one side fixed. You show it to everyone but never reveal to them the other 5 messed up sides.

But it's not - it might appear fixed - but the edge pieces are not in the right place (if you look carefully in that photo). So you think you have fixed one side, but you haven't, not even one side.

Or that one side might actually be fixed - now you have 5 others. The trick of fixing the second layer is to get the centres right first. Just as in life, you need to know you are pursuing the right thing. Once you have correctly identified what colour that side should be you are home and dry.

Then you may have progressed to fixing two layers - you have the third left to solve. You think the first two layers are so perfectly lined up you don't want to mess it up.

But as with life, sometimes you need to take a step back, sacrifice one aspect or two, to make way for the last, as long as you know how to put it back. Just like you think you have your career and friends in order but to fix your health you need to temporarily (how temporary will depend on how skillful you are) mess those up. The interesting thing is, when fixing that last side, everything will come into place together. You don't have to worry about what you have messed up. You can't fix that last side without fixing everything.

Of course, it's easier to understand if you know how to solve a Rubik's cube.

Life is like a Rubik's cube, except there's no stickers to peal off if you don't know the solution.

The marathon philosophy of life

Life is like a marathon. It takes different people different times to finish it. We go through different things during the course. We do it for different reasons. There are people going through it with you. And there are almost certainly struggles during the marathon - but some will be able to say they enjoyed it, some will say 'never again'.

I wonder why? Is doing a marathon just a tick box in one's to-do list in life? To be completely honest that's what I thought when I first decided I would do one. How cool would it be if I told people I have run a marathon?

When I was filling in an application form for a summer internship some years ago, one question was 'What is your biggest achievement in life?' er...at the age of 19 I struggled to think of any achievements, let alone the biggest! I remember being particularly proud when I won the art competition in kindergarten (then my art genes somehow went missing since), but I can't put that on my job application form! So I turned to my friend, and she asked, 'have you run a marathon?' Oh yes, everyone thinks having run a marathon is an achievement, so let me do one too.

The actual marathon experience is detailed in another blog, but despite for apparently the wrong reason, I still think having run, or shall I say having trained for, a marathon is one of the biggest achievements in my life (that might mean I haven't achieved much else, but that's another issue).

Once you have decided to run a marathon, you would train for it to make the last 26.2 miles of the training programme as easy as possible. Things happen during the training - you get blisters, you lose weight and your toenails, you start to question whether it's really worth all that. By that time your reason for doing the marathon might have changed (in my case I had already got a permanent job), but you realise you actually learn things during the process (that's the biggest bonus I have ever received), things that help you conquer fears, get back up when you are down, and realise despite much preparation things can still go pear-shaped. You learn how to pick up the pieces when things fall apart, without doubting yourself and your belief. You may have wasted much time already and missed your goal. But that's not the reason for dropping out of a marathon - so you carry on until you finish. And you are not alone.

Many times after the marathon I thought, if I could do the marathon I should have no problems coping with this, and life seemed easier than ever. It's true, 'what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger'.

In my opinion, anyone can walk/run 26.2 miles, but it's up to you to make the journey as fulfilling as possible.

In search for wisdom

Many people have offered 'advice' in recent months after I have appeared so hopeless in controlling my health (all with good intention). Being Chinese there are always some traditional beliefs when you are sick - e.g. no oranges (makes you cough), no chocolates ('heaty' and makes you cough), or sometimes even chicken soup (too much oil). Ridiculous you might say, but some people do live by it. Well, to be honest I don't think it matters in the grand scheme of things. It might actually make some difference; living like a hermit, not seeing anyone will make sure I won't catch any germs too. But what about my life, my happiness?

Same can be said whether spending time in HK will do me good. Will the weather or air quality here be necessarily beneficial to my health? I doubt it. Are the doctors here cleverer? I don't think so. But there's always some benefit, and of course something to give.

The important thing is to be able to know when a word of wisdom comes my way. Whilst sometimes I can only take some 'advice' with a pinch of salt (not necessarily saying that they are wrong), I feel taking this break gives me time to think, to reprioritise my life, to observe things happening within and around my life. It's also a time to reflect - not just the past year, but the past 24. How would I have lived differently if I knew what's going to happen? Are there things I wish I had done but didn't do? What mistakes have I made? Can I learn from them? How to make the most of the next 24 years, and the next 24?

I still remember one advice from a sermon I heard - failure is being successful at things that don't matter. I ask myself - have I been pursuing things that don't actually matter at all? Do I want to look back 24 years later and find out I have wasted my youth doing it?

I thank God I'm not living on my own. There are people around me who have actually set an example for me. I thank God for their lives, their advice, and mistakes they made so that I won't make them myself. Then hopefully wisdom - knowing what actually matters in life - will descend.

Tokyo

The last few days saw me jetting off to Tokyo to have some fresher air, soak in some hot springs, and meet up with a friend (a bit soon and sudden I know but it wasn't my decision). It's a fascinating place. I'm now sitting in Narita Airport watching planes coming and going. Why is this world so big I wonder? Why can I only see so little of it?

It was a relatively relaxing trip, but I managed to catch a cold (why should that surprise anyone?). My nose is running at 100miles/hour. I wish my clogged bathtub was as free as that.

Oh dear I actually have a follower. Sorry I didn't know about the green tea Kit Kat request when I was in Japan - I didn't see any anyway. But will look out for them in HK.

Loner Fish

Headache went away after an excessive amount of dim sum.

Most Chinese restaurants in HK have a display of fish tanks - with all kinds of sea animals (seafood-to-be) swimming their last few days of life inside. (As an aside, when I was young I used to entertain myself watching those big fish, small fish, prawns, lobsters, crabs etc fighting for their space). Today I saw one big fish by itself in a tank, too small even for it to turn its body. The Loner Fish was watching the next door tank - filled with hundreds of smaller fish - which reminds me of a Saturday afternoon in Causeway Bay - too crowded for anyone to breathe. In the open sea the Loner Fish would be feasting on its now-neighbours. But who cares who they were before. Now they are all captives, and soon will end up on someone's plate. Hugh whatshisname (the Tesco chicken guy) will probably be petitioning for the fish's space and happiness if he sees this. Oh but loads of people in this part of the world haven't got space to live / breathe / be happy too. Will you come and help?

My laptop keeps getting blue screen error. Didn't know virus can jump from human beings to electrial beings, or vice versa.

Ouch!

I've got a massive headache. It's 4 o'clock in the morning...

Fine line

Do parents always nag?

"Eat this and you'll be well in no time." "Drink this every day." "Button up your shirt." "Stop eating chocolates; they will make you cough."

I do appreciate that there are people who care, but there is a fine line between caring and nagging. Went to see Grandma today who can hardly talk. Maybe I should treasure those nagging when I can still hear it.

All day sleeping

The good thing about taking about an extended period off work is I don't have to worry (too much) about the consequences of what I do...been drinking and partying all day and can just spend the whole day in bed tomorrow.

Just kidding.

Meeting up with people actually makes me happy (maybe it's escaping from home which does), though a bit tiring (I'm still trying to get over from jet lag, and, of course I'm a sick child). I don't know who will phone me up tomorrow to arrange to meet up (maybe no one), but I can choose to sleep all day if I want to - with no guilt what so ever, except I got told off by my Dad for getting up at noon HK time (4am UK time) on my second day back. Other than that there's no pressure for me to do anything (and I'll stop using that many parentheses).

During the many days that I took off work last years, many different thoughts entered my mind, along with feeling sick and sorry for myself:

• the more days I take off the harder it is for me to get back to the routine, the more work will build up, and the harder I need to work to clear the backlog, but
• some people will always think I always go back to the office too soon because of the occasional (and annoying, I know) cough I have or how poorly they think I look, and
• I should learn from the lesson last time that going back too soon will do more harm than good, but
• some people will always think that I'm well enough to work when...I could send emails from home (so I must be well enough to go into the office and spend 7 hours there!), so
• sometimes I felt I should just go into the office when I'm really ill to prove that I'm not faking it, however
• if I don't get back soon enough there might not be any work for me to do / I might lose my job

But now I don't have to care what other people think or say. I am entitled to enjoy my break and don't have to go back to work the first instance I feel well enough. Jealous eh?

Food for feast

Last night I met up with a friend for dinner. We just went to a small diner near my flat. There I was baffled by the shear choice of food. My jaw dropped just by looking at the menu...there's so much good food, and I wanted to try them all. In the end I went for 紫菜四寶公仔麵 with proper 奶茶. Good stuff! I've already had 4 餅皮蛋撻 since I came back 4 days ago, and 即磨杏仁糊 at 大良八記. Yum!

(Sorry translating the food into any other language will just lessen their flavour...)

Old school

有朋自遠方來,不亦樂乎? I guess the '朋' will also be '樂' too. Today I visited my secondary school with two old school friends, the school I left almost 9 years ago. It's good to catch up with those teachers again, the teachers I used to fear and revere, who I could associate many memories with, who have now forgotten my name unfortunately...

I learnt about all the changes to the school, and realised teaching really is a 'job', not just a 'profession'. You need to keep up with and adapt to all the changes. Well, I never thought teaching was easy anyway.

Many things have changed - I left the school, went to university, and now have a job. I can tell them about the country I now live in and my profession, but I will probably still see them as my teachers.

If you ask me now whether the HK weather is making me better, the answer is probably a no. The warmer weather helps, but the humidity and heavy rain don't. I have received many offers of 秘方 or '神醫' so far. Maybe I really need to adopt the 十管齊下 strategy and see if that'll get me better.

Make the most of now (if nothing else)

It's a super good time to study economics. There are all kinds of examples out there. Important life lessons to learn.

Shouldn't I be glad when something like this happens early on in my career? When I have not much savings to lose, no home to be repossessed, no school fees to pay, and only one mouth to feed? If anything, the recession (and all the drama with it) has made me more economically aware, more prudent with my investments, and value non-monetary possessions more.

Come on world, be strong, turn crisis into opportunities, but please learn from it.

Pain au suffering

One of my favourite quotes from C. S. Lewis:

Pain and suffering are God's megaphone to rouse the deaf world.

Two words prompted this entry: JET LAG.

Well, also because of the chapter I had been reading before I attempted to sleep.

Here's one very good (I think) explanation from one of my fellowship group's study:

All creation groans (Romans 8: 18-25) and we share in suffering. This comes....

A) to test our faith, so this is demonstrated/strengthened; just as a relationship can be strengthened by coming through a difficult period. (1 Peter 1:6-9 )

B) to develop our compassion for and understanding of others (2 Corinthians 1:3-7)

C) to let us experience God's reality; that God's glory might be revealed, rather than we stand In the way; we must take up our cross daily (Luke 9:25-27), so that God can have his way

D) to provide a situation/place/person where God can work; suffering working along with humbling, e.g. man born blind (John 9:1-3) 'so that the work of God might be displayed in his life'

E) as a reality check when we are going wrong or off-course; God will let us know. Hebrews 12, 2-11 is a reminder that we are God's children and will be disciplined; Jesus led the way in this and has endured for our sakes.

I have always tried to refer to those Bible passages whenever I feel I am 'suffering'. Quite often I end up feeling more thankful for my 'experience' than sorry for my 'suffering'. This doesn't mean that I'm in denial of what's happening. I'm still allowed to moan, groan, or be angry. But the knowledge that God loves me and suffers with me surpasses all temporary pain. And hey, I've got to make the most of my 'suffering' to achieve the above, haven't I?

Somehow I dread to imagine how I could have got through the last year without trusting in God's provision.

One day at a time

Mum's comment today, "you were ill every time I saw you in the last 3 years"...yes, that's about right, Mum.

If anything, it taught me to live one day at a time. Just as the Bible says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." I read an article on the Guardian the other day, of how plane crash survivors survived. Here's the account of the guy sitting next to the emergency exit door of the plane in the Hudson River crash:

I got through it by taking it one step at a time; figuring out my next 10 seconds of action. Get the door open, throw the door out, figure out if you're sinking. What is the immediate next thing I need to do? And the next? I just kept on doing that until I reached solid ground and got into the ferry terminal and talked to my wife.

From knowing a plane is crashing to being rescued could be beyond imagination - it's perhaps too big a step to take. But one can only plan as far as the next course of action - if it works, be thankful and carry on; if it doesn't (and you're not dead already), try alternatives.

And I ask myself what I can do in my situation now. Sometimes I have to take bold steps, otherwise I would just be staying on the same spot. And faith is all that is needed now.

The God I Don't Understand

It's quite a true description. It's also the title of the book I'm reading.

I've got to accept that the thoughts of God are always higher than mine so are not something I can even attempt to fathom with human knowledge and understanding. I'm merely a creature, or a 'created being' in the image of God. I could ask why I had to go through what I went through, but I probably won't get an answer. God never intended for me to understand everything he does.

But I have got to know him more, just as Job said in the Bible, 'My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.' Illness does bring about loneliness, when you are the only person suffering, or put it this way, no one else suffers the same way you do, not someone you know anyway. The omniscient God is who I should seek help from, because he knows what I'm going through. And by going through difficult times with him I get to know him more. Every day I count the blessings God has given me - the opportunities to share with the others and even to take this time off. I'm beginning to find out God's purpose. And I'm less able to say whether the past year's experience has been 'good' or 'bad'. I only know that I'm thankful for what has happened, which shaped the person I am today. And I know tomorrow is in God's hand.

Hello, Hong Kong

After the 12-hour flight I'm home. The journey was uneventful, except that I got 3 seats to myself. Hey got to get my money worth!

My first impression "Why is HK so grey? Where's the blue sky? Where's the sun?" There's something very unique to HK, which is called the smog, a combination of smoke and fog. Oh but apparently there's light rain in London. I win!

I spent the first 24 hours in HK sleeping, coughing and eating. Mum said pears will make me well. Dad blames the office air-conditioning.

Goodbye, England

I'll see you when I'm better.

Flying in 11 hours. Almost packed. Going to church, then lunch, then shower, then getting a lift to the airport. All planned out.

Just need to think what to do with the 2 carrots in the fridge.

Coughs

I won't pretend to be an expert but I do know something about coughs - I have spent a good part of my life with it after all. Just don't ask me how one can get rid of it.

This past week hasn't been great. I have been coughing sitting up, lying down, walking around, talking, eating, drinking, going from one place to another... Sometimes I just wanted to curl up and clutch my chest. It's not that easy when I had to work...but guess what I'll be doing in the next 6 weeks!

To-do list

A few years ago when I just started work, I told myself I would take a few months off after I qualify and go to Africa or China and help some underprivileged kids, then spend some time backpacking round the world (or at least a few countries). Or learn a new language, learn the guitar, train for another marathon...

I am now qualified, and managed to get 6 weeks off work, but I probably won't be doing anything as exciting as that.

The kids' needs are still there, and countries are still to be seen, but maybe I just need to sort myself out first.

If I was being a control freak I would look at the reasons I am taking this break, then plan out what the next 6 weeks should be like. I'm glad I'm not that sad, and I need to just take things easy, let things happen, and listen to my feelings.

Still, that doesn't stop me from having an idea of what I want to do. Doing nothing and relaxing isn't my forte, so I need think what people do when they are 'doing nothing'.

Here's what I came up with:

• Spending time with family, and I mean quality time. It's going to be difficult, tricky, and might actually be painful. But I can't think of any better time to do it.
• Meeting friends. I sat down a few days ago and came up with a list of 20 names. If I see all of them I will be very happy.
• Eating. It's Hong Kong! It will be difficult to not eat good food there!
• Exercising. It's been a while, but hopefully I'll be well enough to do something, hence the squash racket and swimming costume in my suitcase.

What if I'm still not well at the end of the six weeks? I don't know. That's tomorrow's worry.

Reasons for taking this break

One main reason - to rest and recuperate (does that make it two?)

It's been a while since I felt myself - the little healthy kid who's free to do anything and everything, who would set herself goals and achieve them, who would make the most of every minute of her life and strive to fill it with the sweetest memories.

And somehow as if God just flicked a switch, I was the kid no more. Gone were the days when I could run 14 miles after work and study for (and pass!) exams at the same time, globe-hop here and there and collect stamps on my passport. My lungs, which used to power me through those daily riverside runs to work, suffer as I breathe in those recycled air on the underground. Every time I get knocked out by some seemingly innocuous virus I would tell myself this would be the last, I would fight and get myself better. But somehow this process keeps repeating itself. I have not enjoyed a reasonable period of good health for over a year, as if every time I get myself up from being knocked out, someone would hit me hard with a sledgehammer, and down I am on the ground again. It hurts, it hurts so much, especially when the previous wounds haven't healed properly.

And I told myself this has got to stop.

Reasons for writing this blog

Many really -

• To keep track of my recovery.
• To inspire - I have been inspired by many life stories, and when you are truly inspired by something you feel you should inspire someone. I'm glad my struggles have encouraged people, and I want to use this blog to reach out to more.
• To share - so that you know how I'm doing.
• To have somewhere to dump my thoughts and feelings.

It's not my first time keeping a written record of my life (I've kept a diary since 7 September 1998), nor my first time writing a blog (had a 12-month training blog for the marathon - but you have to be a runner to know where I kept it!). Somehow I'm now in a very different stage of life, probably a stage that I would never return to. Somehow I want to have some way to remember it.

Actually it's a friend who encouraged me to write a book(!) about my experience in the past year - which will unfold in my blog in the future 6 weeks. Perhaps the society now needs some encouragement from someone who has endured struggles and uncertainty. Well, if I get enough interest I might get it published - wishful thinking!

Nice feeling

It's a nice feeling - coming home from work for the last time in the coming 6 weeks, leaving work at work until Easter, putting away my winter clothes for a few months...

In the English world Lent is a time for giving up things, be it chocolates, cakes, smoking or other [bad] habits. For me this year it will be a time of retreat, reflection and rest. Reasons for me having this much-envied break from work will be detailed in later post.

Giving up work is probably just part of it (but it sounds nice). I'm probably giving up being the person I want to become, or be seen as; giving up trying to be strong and stoical; giving up some pride and stubbornness inside me.

There are a million and one things I want to do during the next 6 weeks, and of course I can't, and won't, do all one million and one things. I am going to rest. This blog will hold me accountable. I hope I will come out of the other end of the 6 weeks feeling physically stronger and spiritually refreshed.